secrets' secrets

my friend just posted a blog about secrets and it got me thinking... if it's supposed to be a secret, why do we share it with our friends? At the back of our minds, do we actually want other people to learn about our secret? Or are we just excited about having to share something scandalous, preposterous, funny and totally absurd with our friends?

I have shared my innermost secrets with my closest friends. Well, not just my closest friends... they are definitely my most trusted friends. The friends whom I know would not tell on me and my secrets, however juicy they may be. secrets that are only to be shared within the smallest of circles.

I think I tell my friends about my secrets because I need to hear another point of view or maybe I need assurance that I am still doing it right or that I'm not totally --- totally --- i don't know the word. or maybe i refuse to write the word in my head. maybe...

and then you hear about your friends' secrets...errr... there are some secrets that you just wish you didn't hear or secrets that you wish some secret keepers just kept to themselves... sometimes secrets could cause good and strong relationships to crash and burn. secrets can cause that... because there are times when you have to know who decides it's still a secret... or not?

secrets can make or break friendships... secrets are sometimes too difficult to hide. and sometimes, secrets are really just for fun until the secrets go too far...
and then the secret should no longer be a secret.

now... it got me thinking... what are your deepest darkest secrets? secrets that even you're most trusted, closest friends do not know and cannot know... secrets that you can never tell anybody... not a single soul...

xoxo

bubble fun

I remember taking these pictures while I was on a mall a few months agp... It was fun seeing these kids think about nothing but how to balance themselves inside the bubble... It looked fun and I would have tried it myself if only my mom wasn't such a spoilsport. I watched the kids for a couple of minutes while they tried to walk inside the bubble on water. It made me smile to see them fall after fall after fall and still hear their laughter. Well, to be young and carefree...

drama princess

I don’t know what happened today. It’s a Thursday and supposedly my favorite day of the week. Thursdays always make me happy however for today it made me feel bad.
For some strange reason I was suddenly depressed and ranting. It would be understandable if I was depressed about my work and its miserable status. I am being unreasonable and I am perfectly aware. I know I have a lot of things to be grateful for but just for today I hope I can get away from everything and just leave. I want to go home and drink all the alcohol I can get my hands on. I want to get myself drunk to get the feel of numbness and forget whatever depression I am currently feeling inside my stupid head.

I am trying – ok I am not. I am just wallowing on my misery thinking that I am the most pathetic person on this side of the planet. I don’t want to try and make myself feel better.
I am not trying to help myself today. I want to be a psychiatric patient with psychotic issues and feed myself with crazy thoughts and ideas.
I don’t want to help myself feel better. I just want to feel bad for myself and think myself utterly useless.

For some unknown reason I am writing about it to try and make the feeling go away. Hoping to make myself feel better and forget about the misery that keeps on filling my head. It makes my heart beat faster. I think I’m palpitating.
If I go to the hospital and they ask what’s my problem, do I go to the emergency room saying I’m depressed? What do I say? I just want to make the feeling in my head go away? I just want to remove all the thoughts running through my head.

My head is swimming with stupid thoughts. I want to be a rockstar and do things that make them feel numb. I want to spend a day just indulging myself on my own nonsense. When I say my own nonsense, it just doesn’t have to make sense, right? It’s just my own thoughts with whatever I might think fancy. Whatever I might think interesting. Just whatever I think, period.

This is just a fleeting depression for I’m sure tomorrow I’ll be back to my good old jolly self talking about everything under the sun. Talking about what I’ve seen, read, watched etc etc… the typical me...

Make myself feel better… make myself feel better… remove all those thoughts in my head… listen to something calminga and refreshing… release the tension that has bunched up on my nerves.
Count 1 to 100… Think happy thoughts… Think only happy thoughts…

it got me thinking.

I was checking my emails when I got to a forwarded Chinese astrology email from an old friend. It was a 600kb pdf file that has got the "future" of 2009 for whichever year you were born. I was born under "monkey" and I love it. I think monkeys are way cooler than people born under rooster or even the goat or the sheep, come to think of it is there a year of the sheep? I'm not really sure, I know there's the pig, the ox, the snake, the rat, the dog, is there a year of the cat? how about bird? Hmmnn... I'll check it later... Going back to my monkey thoughts...

I think monkeys in some way level up with those born under the dragon, well because I kind of think being born under the year of the dragon rocks. What year were u born? 'I'm a dragon' -- Whoa!!! Totally rad! right?! Well, I'm a monkey is not as tough but I still think it's better than the others. Think pig.

Anyway, going back to the forwarded email, as per the astrology reading, 2009 totally rocks for monkeys like me. How cool is that?! I'm not a big fan of astrology crap -- well ok, maybe a little. I kind of find it's fun to read your "supposed" luck/fortune for the day, week, month or year. For monkeys -- 2009 will be a year of romance, career, wealth and many other opportunities, which all sounds too good to be true, right???!!!

It was fun reading it. I look forward to a year of romance and wealth and loads of opportunities. And then I realized most of my high school friends were also born under monkey.. so we all get the same luck? Lucky us? For me and my friends, I hope so.

Even if most fortune tellers give us 'too general' readings, I enjoy going to tarot readers. I actually have a regular tarot reader who I have been going to for the past 2 years. This will be the 3rd year he will read my cards and I can't wait. I just happen to promise a good friend that I'll wait for her until before the end of the month so that we could go together and compare notes and share luck. Since it's the start of 2009 and so far -- monkeys rock, I better go for it, right?

Well.. it just got me thinking... and it's still the 1st week of January and I am totally hoping for a fabulous year and I am sooo wishing that the last x years of single-blessedness be it and... and... and... that's it.

happy 2009!!!

my new year thoughts...

It's my first "me" time for 2009. Actually, this is the first weekend since December that i don't have plans to go out. December has been a very busy month with the holidays and all the events going on that I haven't stopped to smell the flowers...

The last month of 2008 has been a whirlwind of events that I'm starting to analyze just now. I need to stop and think what the hell just happened???!!! A lot of things just happened in a blur that I am no longer aware what it meant or if meant anything at all.

One of the things that stuck on my mind was my being "overly cautious". For 2009, how do I go about not being overly cautious? Does that mean I stop thinking and go for it? Hmnn.. I am now "overly analyzing" what "overly cautious" mean. I am wondering why people would tell me that being in a relationship -- you will have to be prepared to get hurt because that's a part of it. It got more confusing. People thinking that i don't want to get hurt. Well, yes of course... Been there and it wasn't a fun experience for a free spirit like me.

How long have I been single? To those who know me... yes.. it's been years. And it's not for lack of trying, you know. =) Me thinks that being out of a romantic relationship for years now, it's taking its toll... My friends are telling me to be nicer, be sweeter... Am I not nice? Am I not sweet? hehehehe... I am a very sweet person... It just have to be the right person. I can't go all sweet on just anybody I meet or else they get the wrong signals and then I've got bigger problems, right?

Anyway, last week I met with my 'classmate'. The 'classmate' I ranted about a few months ago. I'm crazy, i know! After being mad for about 10mins, i go meet him for coffee... Well, this is the 1st time we're meeting after 3 years so i just had to... and it was nice to see him. (to my friends with dirty minds thinking I'm going to blog about what we talked about, sorry!!! hahahaha) We talked about our current lives and everything we have missed about each other for the past 3 years. We really are friends i think. We know a lot about each other and I genuinely care about him. I hope he does for me too. But that 'classmate' thingy really is a deal breaker...

Enough of my 'classmate'. We have both gone our separate ways. He's good and I'm good. I am stupid but not that STUPID.

What else happened the past month. I think i had too much alcohol and smokes the last month so now I've got colds and haven't touched a cigarette for 6days. I think it should be on my new year's resolution. I'm still thinking about it though.

I am home now... the 1st weekend of 2009 and I got my place cleaned, my laundry to the the cleaners... good start for 09 huh? coz it's back to normal by Monday!!!

Me thinks this is going to be a good year and me also thinks that some things are worth waiting for...

happy new year to me...