"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need." - Grey's Anatomy
There are times when you want people to think that you're strong and tough. What they don't know and what they fail to see is that beneath that facade is a bottled up feeling - scared out to your wit's end. When you feel alone and you feel that you don't have anyone to run to... When you feel that you've run out of friends and family who could understand how you truly feel. When you reach that point.. what's next?
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Friday, October 13, 2006
sleepy me...
I feel sick again. For the past 3days, I haven’t gotten my complete 8 hours of sleep so I settled for 5-6 hours but then I’m sure now… nde talaga enough, I wonder how people can manage to be energetic with 5 hours of sleep, I can barely open an eye! Yesterday, I set the alarm at 8 knowing that I should be at the office by 10 for my client meeting at 11. Gudlak! I just pressed snooze until I was able to make myself get up. I was thinking while I was trying to sleep some more. It’s cold, I need hot water for my bath… but then sobrang tamad ko bumangon so what I did was hug my pillow and hugged my blanket closer… Tsalap matulog. I feel like I never got out of school, I still count the days to weekend. Like now, I have 1 more working day before my weekend starts and sleeping all day will prevail but not this weekend, I need my dose of TV shows… I haven’t seen much TV this week due to my lack of sleep so I need to watch some TV… TV and CSI NY are what I’m planning this weekend. I will finish up CSI NY.
After going on vacation for 1 week, how do people manage to get back on their feet? My body is not used to this. I’m a workaholic. I usually just have a hard time waking up but when I get in the office I usually manage to find something to do. But for today, holy crap! I haven’t done anything worthy to get paid. Nah… my presence pala is worthy… hehehehe…
After eating with my boss, he’s going to Davao this week so he treat me to lunch. Yellow Cab, charlie chan pasta and hot chili wings plus pistachio and vanilla ice cream for desert. Could that be the reason I’m all tired today??? Because I started my day by eating too much… Promise, masarap. Plus my client e-mailed late that he couldn’t make it our 11meeting. Bummer! After I had to wake up an hour earlier than my normal waking hours… Kliyente tlaga!!!
I’m sleepy. 3 more grueling hours of work… Hay…
After going on vacation for 1 week, how do people manage to get back on their feet? My body is not used to this. I’m a workaholic. I usually just have a hard time waking up but when I get in the office I usually manage to find something to do. But for today, holy crap! I haven’t done anything worthy to get paid. Nah… my presence pala is worthy… hehehehe…
After eating with my boss, he’s going to Davao this week so he treat me to lunch. Yellow Cab, charlie chan pasta and hot chili wings plus pistachio and vanilla ice cream for desert. Could that be the reason I’m all tired today??? Because I started my day by eating too much… Promise, masarap. Plus my client e-mailed late that he couldn’t make it our 11meeting. Bummer! After I had to wake up an hour earlier than my normal waking hours… Kliyente tlaga!!!
I’m sleepy. 3 more grueling hours of work… Hay…
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Boracay escape...
I’m back in the decadent metro. I just got back from a week of vacation…and needless to say, I’m still under the vacation bug. A week of no work and all play is still in my blood. I’m still relishing the idea of waking up and putting on my swimsuit to lie down the beach for a whole day. The feel of the sun on my skin and the smell of the beach are still fresh on my senses. Too bad that when reality set in, I have to wake up and get back to work.
Well, we left for Kalibo last Monday, right after the typhoon Milenyo hit us. There’s no backing out now… We had this trip planned months before so typhoon or no typhoon, we are really going to Boracay. There was even a news that another typhoon was coming Monday afternoon. We arrived in Kalibo around 4pm and we had all the transfers arranged so we just hopped in the van for our 2hour ride to Caticlan. Almost there, but not quite. Halfway to Caticlan, I got a call from a friend who’s already in Boracay, she left in the morning, telling me the last boat trip to Bora from Caticlan has been cancelled due to heavy rain. I was shocked and worried. Where are we going to eat? Well, yeah.. that was the first thing that popped in my mind because I was already hungry. Hehehe.. Anyway, the driver had radioed to other drivers and we were informed that they will still try to give us a boat ride to Bora. When we arrived in Caticlan, it was already 6pm and because of the rain, it was already dark. So much for picture taking on our way to Bora. We were just scared to ride a smaller paddle boat to take us to a bigger boat that would eventually take us to Bora. The smaller paddle boat was the scary part. And when I think about it, the scary part was the fun part. Hehehehe… I only thought about that now… Maybe because I’m safely tucked in my comfort zone now.
After eating dinner in Boracay, we went back to Hey Jude – where we’re billed for the week. After the Monday rain, we had sunshine… yes! There was sunshine in Bora. It was hot and sunny on that part of the country except for some really windy moments, we were blessed with sunshine. We had a lot of fun lying under the sun and playing with the waves. Jonah’s fruit shakes are a treat. I tried the mango rum and the mango banana shakes. We tried the food at Christina in Boracay Regency, Sealovers, Ole, Bite Club, Hey Jude… and for partying and drinking… we went to BomBom… I loved Bombom… but I think my friend Lei loved it more. Hey Lei? We also tried Juice in Plazoleta, Rumba’s in d’ mall and for dancing… we dove in the frenzy of Summer Place. And for water action, we tried the paraw, a sailboat that took us around the island with the waves lapping us.
We thought that staying for 5days was enough but on our way back… It was just sad. Was it sad because we’re going back to work or was it sad because we actually met some people whom we enjoyed talking and partying. Well, Lei my good friend is the big winner… Hmnnn… I even wonder if our next stop is going to be… China? Hahahaha…
I had fun… lots of fun… a week of no work… That’s a luxury a lot of us are not very privileged to have. I had to beg my boss for this vacation for months.
As I get back to work today. With my tan and my mind still lying on the beach. I start to wonder… will I ever get something done today? this week? I certainly hope so.
Well, we left for Kalibo last Monday, right after the typhoon Milenyo hit us. There’s no backing out now… We had this trip planned months before so typhoon or no typhoon, we are really going to Boracay. There was even a news that another typhoon was coming Monday afternoon. We arrived in Kalibo around 4pm and we had all the transfers arranged so we just hopped in the van for our 2hour ride to Caticlan. Almost there, but not quite. Halfway to Caticlan, I got a call from a friend who’s already in Boracay, she left in the morning, telling me the last boat trip to Bora from Caticlan has been cancelled due to heavy rain. I was shocked and worried. Where are we going to eat? Well, yeah.. that was the first thing that popped in my mind because I was already hungry. Hehehe.. Anyway, the driver had radioed to other drivers and we were informed that they will still try to give us a boat ride to Bora. When we arrived in Caticlan, it was already 6pm and because of the rain, it was already dark. So much for picture taking on our way to Bora. We were just scared to ride a smaller paddle boat to take us to a bigger boat that would eventually take us to Bora. The smaller paddle boat was the scary part. And when I think about it, the scary part was the fun part. Hehehehe… I only thought about that now… Maybe because I’m safely tucked in my comfort zone now.
After eating dinner in Boracay, we went back to Hey Jude – where we’re billed for the week. After the Monday rain, we had sunshine… yes! There was sunshine in Bora. It was hot and sunny on that part of the country except for some really windy moments, we were blessed with sunshine. We had a lot of fun lying under the sun and playing with the waves. Jonah’s fruit shakes are a treat. I tried the mango rum and the mango banana shakes. We tried the food at Christina in Boracay Regency, Sealovers, Ole, Bite Club, Hey Jude… and for partying and drinking… we went to BomBom… I loved Bombom… but I think my friend Lei loved it more. Hey Lei? We also tried Juice in Plazoleta, Rumba’s in d’ mall and for dancing… we dove in the frenzy of Summer Place. And for water action, we tried the paraw, a sailboat that took us around the island with the waves lapping us.
We thought that staying for 5days was enough but on our way back… It was just sad. Was it sad because we’re going back to work or was it sad because we actually met some people whom we enjoyed talking and partying. Well, Lei my good friend is the big winner… Hmnnn… I even wonder if our next stop is going to be… China? Hahahaha…
I had fun… lots of fun… a week of no work… That’s a luxury a lot of us are not very privileged to have. I had to beg my boss for this vacation for months.
As I get back to work today. With my tan and my mind still lying on the beach. I start to wonder… will I ever get something done today? this week? I certainly hope so.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
random thoughts
i have been contemplating on what to write on my blog. I haven't been doing much for the past few days... Nothing interesting has popped unto my restless brain. I usually have a lot of ideas pouring out of my head that I can't decide which one to focus on but for some unknown reason I am out of topics today. Maybe I'm excited that Grey's Anatomy Season 3 has finally started that I can't bear the excitement. I am a big fan of Addison... Not that I think she's the victim in the story but I adore her character. Strong, brilliant and fearless. Total girl power. Her aura exudes what women today should have. Commanding and authoritative. Loved it. I know that there are a lot of Meredith fans out there but I just love Addison Shepherd. Hehehe... I'm starting to sound like a tv critic.
I'm going on vacation this coming October. I'll be going to the beach for 5 days. Wow! 5 days of sand and sun. I've been looking forward to this for the past 6 months. And i just got regularized on my job. Time flies so fast even if your bored you know. Even if you count each hour by the minute that passes by, it's still fast. I haven't gone on vacation for this year. I deserve the time to relax and not think of work for 5days. Drink, party and relax. Meet some cute boys... yeah.. definitely meet some boys. hahahahhaha... someone interesting. I no longer meet interesting guys. There's a shortage of appealing and fascinating guys in my circle. My friends excluded, of course.
I can't write about anything worthy today. I'll try to think again. Maybe I'll get the motivation to blog about something. or maybe write about nothing but crap again.
A little something from my current favorite show: "Grey's Anatomy"
A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.
I'm going on vacation this coming October. I'll be going to the beach for 5 days. Wow! 5 days of sand and sun. I've been looking forward to this for the past 6 months. And i just got regularized on my job. Time flies so fast even if your bored you know. Even if you count each hour by the minute that passes by, it's still fast. I haven't gone on vacation for this year. I deserve the time to relax and not think of work for 5days. Drink, party and relax. Meet some cute boys... yeah.. definitely meet some boys. hahahahhaha... someone interesting. I no longer meet interesting guys. There's a shortage of appealing and fascinating guys in my circle. My friends excluded, of course.
I can't write about anything worthy today. I'll try to think again. Maybe I'll get the motivation to blog about something. or maybe write about nothing but crap again.
A little something from my current favorite show: "Grey's Anatomy"
A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
fairy tales
“You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.” (Grey’s Anatomy)
I was never one of those kids who got really hooked with fairy tales. I knew that there are fairy tales entitled Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella and Snow White and Goldilocks but I never really put myself in their shoes. I knew that they were just stories to make us feel good about life and its shortcomings. I know that we can dream and dreams make life exciting because when you dream, you actually have something to look forward to. We always hope that our dreams can somehow come true.
Most of my friends always tell me that my prince will come along when you least expect it or something like, your prince might be just around the corner, and you haven’t seen him. Why must we refer to him as the “prince”, why not refer to him as “the frog”. Tagging him the prince is very fairy tale, do guys look for their “princess” to save from the wicked queen? I don’t think so, but we girls look for our princes to sweep us off our feet. Ironic?
Now, how many price charming can we meet in a lifetime? According to Charlotte York of Sex and the City, we get 2 great loves in a lifetime. According to Elizabeth Taylor, hmnn… I don’t know, all I know is that she had a lot of princes. According to Madam Auring, our prince charming doesn’t have to be older than us, he can be a minor too. Our prince charming can come in different sizes, generation and packaging. And they may come in numbers too. One at a time, two at a time, bring it on genie!
Some girls don’t even want prince charming but prefer princess charming. Now, that’s an idea. Maybe having a princess charming is even better, right? I haven’t really thought about that though. I just know that I have girl friends whom are happy because they found love not with a prince charming but a princess dressed like a prince. As long as they’re happy, I’m happy for them.
We have different stories to tell, you have yours and I have mine. My fairy tale might have been finished a couple of years ago but who knows there might be a spin off or a sequel, or a season 2, can go as far as season 10, right? Or my fairy tale might have not even started yet, maybe I’m one of those late blooming princesses. Or perhaps, my story is currently a blank page and is unwritten, maybe waiting for a really good writer to start it up.
“At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.” – Meredith Grey
I was never one of those kids who got really hooked with fairy tales. I knew that there are fairy tales entitled Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella and Snow White and Goldilocks but I never really put myself in their shoes. I knew that they were just stories to make us feel good about life and its shortcomings. I know that we can dream and dreams make life exciting because when you dream, you actually have something to look forward to. We always hope that our dreams can somehow come true.
Most of my friends always tell me that my prince will come along when you least expect it or something like, your prince might be just around the corner, and you haven’t seen him. Why must we refer to him as the “prince”, why not refer to him as “the frog”. Tagging him the prince is very fairy tale, do guys look for their “princess” to save from the wicked queen? I don’t think so, but we girls look for our princes to sweep us off our feet. Ironic?
Now, how many price charming can we meet in a lifetime? According to Charlotte York of Sex and the City, we get 2 great loves in a lifetime. According to Elizabeth Taylor, hmnn… I don’t know, all I know is that she had a lot of princes. According to Madam Auring, our prince charming doesn’t have to be older than us, he can be a minor too. Our prince charming can come in different sizes, generation and packaging. And they may come in numbers too. One at a time, two at a time, bring it on genie!
Some girls don’t even want prince charming but prefer princess charming. Now, that’s an idea. Maybe having a princess charming is even better, right? I haven’t really thought about that though. I just know that I have girl friends whom are happy because they found love not with a prince charming but a princess dressed like a prince. As long as they’re happy, I’m happy for them.
We have different stories to tell, you have yours and I have mine. My fairy tale might have been finished a couple of years ago but who knows there might be a spin off or a sequel, or a season 2, can go as far as season 10, right? Or my fairy tale might have not even started yet, maybe I’m one of those late blooming princesses. Or perhaps, my story is currently a blank page and is unwritten, maybe waiting for a really good writer to start it up.
“At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.” – Meredith Grey
Saturday, September 02, 2006
the stupidity of the human race
As I heard Dr. Bailey said these words in Grey’s Anatomy, it struck me as odd that we, as the “supposedly” highest form of living things in this place we call Earth are stupid. I thought it was funny… even more amusing because as I thought about it and serenely contemplated, the more I was convinced that we are indeed stupid.
We all seem to suffer from a chronic illness called “stupidity”. We learn a lot of things as we grow old and these things are supposed to guide us on life’s struggles but we always manage to look like dim-witted individuals.
First law of human stupidity according to carlo m. cipolla,
Always and inevitably everyone underestimates the number of stupid individuals in circulation.
a. People who we once judged rational and intelligent turn out to be unashamedly stupid
Need I explain more? This is like the best example right? Have we ever seen a very smart woman with a stupid guy? Well, we often see smart men with dumb women. So, it’s a matter of choosing. So I guess women choose better in this aspect. Let’s give the guys some respect in this aspect, if they think that big breasts are enough, who are we to judge? If the guys appreciate beauty more than they deem intelligence important, so be it. Let them be stupid in that aspect. Women swoon over handsome and hunky guys too, apparently, we just don’t think that being handsome is enough, though sometimes I really think looks are vital. I mean I don’t know if I can kiss a really ugly but smart guy. Attraction is important too, right? Yeah, I know. I’m shallow. I want to have it all, I want a smart and good looking guy, who doesn’t? Can you just imagine yourself waking up beside a smart but ugly guy? I’d like to imagine waking up beside a really handsome guy. =)
The probability that a certain person be stupid is independent of any other characteristic of that person.
In this aspect, Nature was said to have outdone herself. It doesn’t matter if you’re a girl or a boy, black or white. The frequency of having equal probability is high. You will find the same percentage of the stupid people in a large group or in a small group. It is quite a phenomenon.
It doesn’t matter where you studied, what major you took up, where you were raised or how you look. You always meet the same percentage of stupid people wherever you are (which will always surpass your expectations).
My favorite law :
Non-stupid people always underestimate the damaging power of stupid individuals.
In particular non-stupid people constantly forget that at all times and places and under any circumstances to deal and/or associate with stupid people always turns out to be a costly mistake.
If you are not stupid, it will take time before you realize that you actually did a stupid thing. =)
Remember :
A stupid person is more dangerous than a bandit.
A bandit’s objective is to simply get wealth for himself while stupid people, it’s a completely different story, stupid people cause losses to other people with no gains on their part thus leaving society impoverished.
We all act stupid. We all have our episodes and sometimes it’s just funny to be stupid, but consistently acting stupid is totally not.
Seriously? Seriously!
When Bailey mentioned the stupidity of human race… It all goes back to the fact that we can all be “sometimes” stupid…
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. - Albert Einstein
With excerpts from The Basic Laws of Human Stupidity by carlo m. cipolla
We all seem to suffer from a chronic illness called “stupidity”. We learn a lot of things as we grow old and these things are supposed to guide us on life’s struggles but we always manage to look like dim-witted individuals.
First law of human stupidity according to carlo m. cipolla,
Always and inevitably everyone underestimates the number of stupid individuals in circulation.
a. People who we once judged rational and intelligent turn out to be unashamedly stupid
Need I explain more? This is like the best example right? Have we ever seen a very smart woman with a stupid guy? Well, we often see smart men with dumb women. So, it’s a matter of choosing. So I guess women choose better in this aspect. Let’s give the guys some respect in this aspect, if they think that big breasts are enough, who are we to judge? If the guys appreciate beauty more than they deem intelligence important, so be it. Let them be stupid in that aspect. Women swoon over handsome and hunky guys too, apparently, we just don’t think that being handsome is enough, though sometimes I really think looks are vital. I mean I don’t know if I can kiss a really ugly but smart guy. Attraction is important too, right? Yeah, I know. I’m shallow. I want to have it all, I want a smart and good looking guy, who doesn’t? Can you just imagine yourself waking up beside a smart but ugly guy? I’d like to imagine waking up beside a really handsome guy. =)
The probability that a certain person be stupid is independent of any other characteristic of that person.
In this aspect, Nature was said to have outdone herself. It doesn’t matter if you’re a girl or a boy, black or white. The frequency of having equal probability is high. You will find the same percentage of the stupid people in a large group or in a small group. It is quite a phenomenon.
It doesn’t matter where you studied, what major you took up, where you were raised or how you look. You always meet the same percentage of stupid people wherever you are (which will always surpass your expectations).
My favorite law :
Non-stupid people always underestimate the damaging power of stupid individuals.
In particular non-stupid people constantly forget that at all times and places and under any circumstances to deal and/or associate with stupid people always turns out to be a costly mistake.
If you are not stupid, it will take time before you realize that you actually did a stupid thing. =)
Remember :
A stupid person is more dangerous than a bandit.
A bandit’s objective is to simply get wealth for himself while stupid people, it’s a completely different story, stupid people cause losses to other people with no gains on their part thus leaving society impoverished.
We all act stupid. We all have our episodes and sometimes it’s just funny to be stupid, but consistently acting stupid is totally not.
Seriously? Seriously!
When Bailey mentioned the stupidity of human race… It all goes back to the fact that we can all be “sometimes” stupid…
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. - Albert Einstein
With excerpts from The Basic Laws of Human Stupidity by carlo m. cipolla
Thursday, August 24, 2006
“you always want what you can’t have”
I am not overweight and yet I have been telling myself to lose 10 lbs for the past 3 years. I have a skinny friend who has been forever trying to gain weight. The basics, right? I want to be taller, have longer and shapely legs so that mini skirts would look great on me. I want a smaller waist so that I can wear anything and not worry about all my fats showing. I want to have commercial worthy hair that flows down my back and would sway at my every move. I want… I want… I want…
If I will count the things I want to have, its endless. These are the stuff that would really be nice to have but I know that I just can’t have them. Well, maybe rebonding can give my hair the commercial worthiness I’m looking for but it’s going to cost me a lot. For the things we want to have, there’s a price to pay. But when we talk about things that we want, why do we always want the things that we can’t just have???
And speaking of wanting things that we just can’t have… How about when you like someone and that someone likes somebody else? Or when you know that someone likes you, you just know that you like someone else? It’s a tedious cycle. People love the idea of chasing something that’s very difficult to reach.
Take for instance, I know a situation where a girl has told an admirer a thousand times that she cannot counter his feelings with more than the confines of friendship and that the idea of “coupledom” for them is just impossible, ridiculous and hopeless. And yet the guy is still clueless on what impossible means. Isn’t that funny? You’ve been told right in your face that it’s not possible and yet you never give up. Well, some people really find it difficult to accept the fact that some things are not meant to be. Some people like to take chances, count the odds and measure the probabilities even if it’s blinking the warning sign right from the beginning.
When we take chances, isn’t it better to think that you’ve got an 80-20 odds? I mean I am not an avid fan of taking chances, well I maybe tried that once or twice but that took a lot of courage and thinking. But some people have enough audacity for an entire community. Can we still call that courage when it goes beyond boundaries? When do we consider having too much nerve questionable?
Hmnn… It’s amusing to think about it because we know people who have that kind of attitude, people who have the guts to go after what they want. And when I think about it, do I even have half of the courage they have to go after what I want? The only way to pass a test is to take the test, right?
It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that things are difficult. - Seneca
If I will count the things I want to have, its endless. These are the stuff that would really be nice to have but I know that I just can’t have them. Well, maybe rebonding can give my hair the commercial worthiness I’m looking for but it’s going to cost me a lot. For the things we want to have, there’s a price to pay. But when we talk about things that we want, why do we always want the things that we can’t just have???
And speaking of wanting things that we just can’t have… How about when you like someone and that someone likes somebody else? Or when you know that someone likes you, you just know that you like someone else? It’s a tedious cycle. People love the idea of chasing something that’s very difficult to reach.
Take for instance, I know a situation where a girl has told an admirer a thousand times that she cannot counter his feelings with more than the confines of friendship and that the idea of “coupledom” for them is just impossible, ridiculous and hopeless. And yet the guy is still clueless on what impossible means. Isn’t that funny? You’ve been told right in your face that it’s not possible and yet you never give up. Well, some people really find it difficult to accept the fact that some things are not meant to be. Some people like to take chances, count the odds and measure the probabilities even if it’s blinking the warning sign right from the beginning.
When we take chances, isn’t it better to think that you’ve got an 80-20 odds? I mean I am not an avid fan of taking chances, well I maybe tried that once or twice but that took a lot of courage and thinking. But some people have enough audacity for an entire community. Can we still call that courage when it goes beyond boundaries? When do we consider having too much nerve questionable?
Hmnn… It’s amusing to think about it because we know people who have that kind of attitude, people who have the guts to go after what they want. And when I think about it, do I even have half of the courage they have to go after what I want? The only way to pass a test is to take the test, right?
It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that things are difficult. - Seneca
Saturday, August 19, 2006
life and saturdays...
There are days when you don’t have anything to do at all and there are days when there are too many activities or gimmicks that you want to accommodate them all. How come there’s no balance at all?
Of all the previous Saturdays that I did not have much to do and I did not have to go to work, this Saturday proved to be an ultimate disappointment. First, it was frat night, second, a friend who I haven’t seen for almost 3 years asked if we could have coffee and catch up. Another friend was going to godskitchen but I’m not into house music so that didn’t count, I wouldn’t go even if I were free. Hehehe… chill? I don’t chill, I like it hot. =)
Then, Saturday morning after my Friday night work, my sister and her baby went to my apartment. My nephew is just too cute to resist so we played even if I haven’t slept the day. Then my sister asked me to go to the mall since there’s a big sale, so we went to the mall. After an hour or two, we went back to the apartment. My nephew is too heavy to carry and we got so tired so we decided it’s time for the baby’s nap… But he wasn’t ready for sleep yet. He wanted to play. I was so sleepy but he’s too adorable… For today I only slept for 2hours… When I woke up, I felt that there were a lot of things to do but I didn’t have the time.
So I decided to be responsible and go to work first, I was at the office while texting my friends who were already at the frat party. They were asking what time I will be there. I felt that I would miss a lot if I don’t get to at least see the happening so I left the office and went to the frat party. On my way, I was so excited… The last time I was in a sorority or fraternity party has been hmnn… a long time ago that I can’t even remember. When I arrived at the party, there was no more food and everybody is drinking. I cannot drink so I had coffee. I saw a lot of drunkards around the party and saw a lot of my college brods and sisses who I have not seen in ages. I sent my greetings, hugs to the people I know, I sat on the table with old friends and joked around while I was drinking “coffee”. I think that was a first. The first time I was talking to these friends of mine and I was holding a cup of coffee instead of a bottle of beer or a shot of whatever.
After 1 hour, I went back to the office. Was it worth it? Yes, definitely. I wish I don’t work Saturdays because all the happenings happen either on a Friday or a Saturday right so I can give up on Fridays but can I at least be spared with Saturday? Too bad I did not have any more time to meet kat and have coffee…
Well, it’s a Sunday morning and I’m still at work trying very hard to keep my eyes open. Saturdays are a bore when you’re inside the office working instead of drinking and having fun hanging out with your friends.
After 5 days of hard work or rather boring work, I like looking forward to a Saturday but now because of my new schedule I have to look forward on Sundays which most people dread because it means they work the next day. Whew… Tough Crowd.
Of all the previous Saturdays that I did not have much to do and I did not have to go to work, this Saturday proved to be an ultimate disappointment. First, it was frat night, second, a friend who I haven’t seen for almost 3 years asked if we could have coffee and catch up. Another friend was going to godskitchen but I’m not into house music so that didn’t count, I wouldn’t go even if I were free. Hehehe… chill? I don’t chill, I like it hot. =)
Then, Saturday morning after my Friday night work, my sister and her baby went to my apartment. My nephew is just too cute to resist so we played even if I haven’t slept the day. Then my sister asked me to go to the mall since there’s a big sale, so we went to the mall. After an hour or two, we went back to the apartment. My nephew is too heavy to carry and we got so tired so we decided it’s time for the baby’s nap… But he wasn’t ready for sleep yet. He wanted to play. I was so sleepy but he’s too adorable… For today I only slept for 2hours… When I woke up, I felt that there were a lot of things to do but I didn’t have the time.
So I decided to be responsible and go to work first, I was at the office while texting my friends who were already at the frat party. They were asking what time I will be there. I felt that I would miss a lot if I don’t get to at least see the happening so I left the office and went to the frat party. On my way, I was so excited… The last time I was in a sorority or fraternity party has been hmnn… a long time ago that I can’t even remember. When I arrived at the party, there was no more food and everybody is drinking. I cannot drink so I had coffee. I saw a lot of drunkards around the party and saw a lot of my college brods and sisses who I have not seen in ages. I sent my greetings, hugs to the people I know, I sat on the table with old friends and joked around while I was drinking “coffee”. I think that was a first. The first time I was talking to these friends of mine and I was holding a cup of coffee instead of a bottle of beer or a shot of whatever.
After 1 hour, I went back to the office. Was it worth it? Yes, definitely. I wish I don’t work Saturdays because all the happenings happen either on a Friday or a Saturday right so I can give up on Fridays but can I at least be spared with Saturday? Too bad I did not have any more time to meet kat and have coffee…
Well, it’s a Sunday morning and I’m still at work trying very hard to keep my eyes open. Saturdays are a bore when you’re inside the office working instead of drinking and having fun hanging out with your friends.
After 5 days of hard work or rather boring work, I like looking forward to a Saturday but now because of my new schedule I have to look forward on Sundays which most people dread because it means they work the next day. Whew… Tough Crowd.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
single and fabulous
When I reached the age of 25, I started thinking of getting married and having kids. Then, I realized that I have never thought about having my own family before because I am focused on my career and was set on getting married at the age of 29 or 30. Plus, I haven’t been in a serious relationship for 4 years now. So, why the sudden “family” idea? A number of factors contribute to this :
1. My YOUNGER sister got married last year and she now has a family and a very cute baby.
2. I belong to a family where I have spinster aunts every generation. Am I joining the sorority of old maids in our clan?
3. On family occasions, I get bugged with questions on when I am getting married and why I let younger sister got married ahead of me.
4. My best friend just got married and my other best friend is getting married on January – and both of them want me for a bridesmaid. (the one who just got married will renew her vows next year) will I be the one they call, always the bridesmaid, but never the bride???
5. I realized that I have been on all the secondary sponsor tasks – cord, veil, candle, maid of honor, bridesmaid. Thank God I’m too old to be a flower girl and too young to be a ninang or else..
6. I have been attending occasions where they tell me I can bring a “partner”. (partner?? what if I don't have one? AM I NoT INVITED??)
I have always thought that destiny will find me but while destiny is on its way, I should also help destiny find me. Such a funny idea constitutes a preposterous thought. Life is no fairy tale but all my life I have always believed that things will always fall into place when the right time comes. I constantly remind myself that there are a lot of things to consider and I try to keep myself levelheaded. Though at certain situations, a girl just can’t help but feel the need for a special someone to share her problems and her accomplishments.
One of my wishes for the year is to be in a relationship after a hiatus of almost 4 years. I have been wondering on when the day or month will come. I went out on dates and met guys but nothing seemed to work. It was kind of frustrating at times. But then, my mind changed last week.
I just arrived at the office when I received a call from an old time crush – my super crush when I was a freshman in college, so that was like 8 - 9 years ago. I haven’t seen him for quite sometime and he got my number from an old college friend of mine who happen to be working on the same firm. By the way, he is a lawyer now. I had the biggest crush on him when I was a freshman in college and he was a freshman in law school. And when I think about it now, I was hilarious.
He is still single and he asked me if we could go out and I said yes but after a few minutes I realized that I was not excited. I was happy to have heard from him but that was all. My friend who gave him my number even called me and told me that she gave my number and that he was still single. All the signs of a good catch was there. A lawyer, single and I have known him since I was a teen. The kind of guy who I can have a relationship with, right? He is stable and he is of the right age. But somehow, it made me wonder.
If I am looking for a relationship, why am I not grabbing this opportunity? Why do I sense that I want the “magic” and not the security? It made me rethink what I really want.
After thinking for a few days, I realized that I am not just after a relationship but I am after being in love. We can have relationships but we will always want it to be worth our time. We want it to have meaning and we want the relationship to make us happy and contented. I have always known that I am after love but on one way or another I have always denied it. Now, I know better.
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
~ Helen Keller
1. My YOUNGER sister got married last year and she now has a family and a very cute baby.
2. I belong to a family where I have spinster aunts every generation. Am I joining the sorority of old maids in our clan?
3. On family occasions, I get bugged with questions on when I am getting married and why I let younger sister got married ahead of me.
4. My best friend just got married and my other best friend is getting married on January – and both of them want me for a bridesmaid. (the one who just got married will renew her vows next year) will I be the one they call, always the bridesmaid, but never the bride???
5. I realized that I have been on all the secondary sponsor tasks – cord, veil, candle, maid of honor, bridesmaid. Thank God I’m too old to be a flower girl and too young to be a ninang or else..
6. I have been attending occasions where they tell me I can bring a “partner”. (partner?? what if I don't have one? AM I NoT INVITED??)
I have always thought that destiny will find me but while destiny is on its way, I should also help destiny find me. Such a funny idea constitutes a preposterous thought. Life is no fairy tale but all my life I have always believed that things will always fall into place when the right time comes. I constantly remind myself that there are a lot of things to consider and I try to keep myself levelheaded. Though at certain situations, a girl just can’t help but feel the need for a special someone to share her problems and her accomplishments.
One of my wishes for the year is to be in a relationship after a hiatus of almost 4 years. I have been wondering on when the day or month will come. I went out on dates and met guys but nothing seemed to work. It was kind of frustrating at times. But then, my mind changed last week.
I just arrived at the office when I received a call from an old time crush – my super crush when I was a freshman in college, so that was like 8 - 9 years ago. I haven’t seen him for quite sometime and he got my number from an old college friend of mine who happen to be working on the same firm. By the way, he is a lawyer now. I had the biggest crush on him when I was a freshman in college and he was a freshman in law school. And when I think about it now, I was hilarious.
He is still single and he asked me if we could go out and I said yes but after a few minutes I realized that I was not excited. I was happy to have heard from him but that was all. My friend who gave him my number even called me and told me that she gave my number and that he was still single. All the signs of a good catch was there. A lawyer, single and I have known him since I was a teen. The kind of guy who I can have a relationship with, right? He is stable and he is of the right age. But somehow, it made me wonder.
If I am looking for a relationship, why am I not grabbing this opportunity? Why do I sense that I want the “magic” and not the security? It made me rethink what I really want.
After thinking for a few days, I realized that I am not just after a relationship but I am after being in love. We can have relationships but we will always want it to be worth our time. We want it to have meaning and we want the relationship to make us happy and contented. I have always known that I am after love but on one way or another I have always denied it. Now, I know better.
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
~ Helen Keller
Friday, August 04, 2006
sick and tired...
My bed is definitely seeing more of me the past 2 weeks. For the past 2 weeks I have consistently been oversleeping. Blame it on the rainy weather for making my bed feel a lot better to sleep on or maybe blame it on my job, for it can’t persuade me to get up and get ready for work. I have been dragging myself out of bed for quite sometime now. I have never been absent for the past 2 years. Come to think of it, I haven’t been sick enough to miss work for the past 2 years. Interesting, I have gone from a reckless student to a reliable and conscientious employee. Wow! I have changed.
But yesterday, I was asking one of my friends if she’s got plans for the night and I realized that I am actually finding a reason for myself to be absent. I wanted a valid reason to be reckless. I am not motivated or excited to get to work. I used to be eager to get up and start my day’s work but all have changed. Is it because of the change in company? Is it because I no longer have a team to work with?
I deem that I work better with a team. I love to brainstorm on ideas and think of possible answers, solutions, etc. I enjoy it when I am important or at least what I do is. But my recent oversleeping and dragging myself out of bed has been a subject of confusion.
I do oversleep on days when I don’t have work. But this week, there was 1 day when I got out of bed and got ready without any qualms, First day of the week and I was going to see a movie before work. Wow. My reason for getting ready for work is questionable.
Am I too tired with what I’m doing? Or is this just one of those chapters that drag and will soon change?
But yesterday, I was asking one of my friends if she’s got plans for the night and I realized that I am actually finding a reason for myself to be absent. I wanted a valid reason to be reckless. I am not motivated or excited to get to work. I used to be eager to get up and start my day’s work but all have changed. Is it because of the change in company? Is it because I no longer have a team to work with?
I deem that I work better with a team. I love to brainstorm on ideas and think of possible answers, solutions, etc. I enjoy it when I am important or at least what I do is. But my recent oversleeping and dragging myself out of bed has been a subject of confusion.
I do oversleep on days when I don’t have work. But this week, there was 1 day when I got out of bed and got ready without any qualms, First day of the week and I was going to see a movie before work. Wow. My reason for getting ready for work is questionable.
Am I too tired with what I’m doing? Or is this just one of those chapters that drag and will soon change?
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
solid.. from the heart
This should have been posted a few months back... but it took me too long to finish it.
It seems like depression has been my constant companion for the past few days or maybe weeks. Call it quarter life crisis or the fear of being alone while everybody around me is starting their own “family life”. 25 years of existence… and now I’m ready to share my love story.
I met him in college, I was a shiftee… From Day 1 in their college, I have always felt like an intruder, who wouldn’t, when I joined their class when everybody knows everybody and people would group with people they’re familiar with. I hated the fact that I had to do group projects with the people who weren’t included in the “cliques” inside the class. I am quite good. I mean, I have always been popular in college, unfortunately shifting to another college on my 3rd year was not an easy task. When I first joined the college, I didn’t know a single soul. Some familiar faces, but these faces weren’t really what I’d call friends but then, this would have to do since I’m a newcomer, right?
After a year in the college, my social status has not changed. I was still the shiftee with no regular group mates. First semester on my 4th year and the 1st day in class on one my subjects when I met him. I was sitting at the last row near the door trying to distract myself when he came inside the class late. He was greeted by the people inside the room so I looked up and saw his face. It wasn’t love at first sight that’s for sure, with my experience in the college, I haven’t made a single friend so all these people were just acquaintances and classmates. I was not expecting anything from this class. I needed to attend classes with them because I need to finish college and it wasn’t as if I was given the choice. And then the class started. I was sitting between him and another girl I have known the past year. The girl, Jane, introduced us and we said our Hello’s. Halfway through the class, our professor told us to group ourselves into three. I was just sitting there waiting for people who will need a spare when Jane told me that we can be group mates, the 3 of us. Well, I was never picky with my group mates since I changed my major so it was ok and I was a little relieved and a little annoyed because people were staring while checking out the groupings. So the guy, let’s call him Joseph. Joseph was definitely in demand, a lot of the people in class wanted to have him in their group but he was so polite in turning them down and told them that he’s got himself a group already. We then exchanged our numbers and planned what to do on our project. We had to meet that Friday, after class to do research and we all agreed to meet at 1pm. I was already there waiting for my 2 group mates when I got word that Jane wasn’t feeling well and will not be able to join us. So ok, no problem. Joseph arrived and we talked and thought on what we can work on for now. Well, not to waste our time, we did some ambush interviews and tried to do some research. I was surprised on how nice Joseph was. He was very easy to talk to and I really had fun talking to him. He is always smiling and he’s got the cutest dimples on earth. We went out to do the research and it was fun. We barely missed Jane, it was like “our day” to meet and get to know each other. We talked and talked. Until on one of our research areas, we saw one of his ex-girlfriend’s bestfriend. He introduced me and I had no idea who she was, just that Joseph said she was from the same college. On our way back to school, he got a text message that pissed him off. It was from the girl, a message that was intended for his ex-gf that was missent to him. Oh boy, was I intrigued. That’s when I learned that his relationship with his ex left problems for him. He then told me their story and hearing his side of the story, I, of course took his side. Without realizing what happened, our friendship was suddenly there. We traded secrets and silently trusted each other. During this time, I had a boyfriend, Mark. Mark and I have been together for a year and a half. I believed that I was really in love with Mark. He was the ideal boyfriend.
First 2 weeks of my first semester and I realized that Joseph, Jane and I have 2 classes together. Joseph was just too nice and sweet. He’s got himself a girlfriend by the way. His girlfriend is Lila, a school figure in the field of school politics. She’s older than Joseph. During that time, I only knew Lila by name. But as luck would have it, I was also bound to meet Lila after “our” relationship with Joseph. The ironies of life, huh?
From the first group meeting, Joseph and I got closer. We see each other everyday, with or without classes. After classes, during breaks, we text constantly and we talk on the phone for hours. We were inseparable and I soon realized that I’m falling for him. It made me wonder if he felt the same way. But his actions showed that he also cared. We became each other’s ally. We told each other everything. During that time, he was my sunshine. He put light on my days, he was the reason I smile. Just the idea of seeing him in school made me giggle. The idea that we’ll hang out and talk makes me giddy and look forward to my day. I dread the end of the day when we have to part and go home. Though when we’re home, we talk on the phone for hours. We watched movies in places where we’re sure no one will know us. We were at each other’s back all the time. Then one day, after Joseph dropped me off, I was in front of my pc doing a report while I was talking to Joseph on the phone when my boyfriend Mark texted me that I don’t even inform him when I get home. I was surprised by his message so I replied that I just got home and was busy writing a paper. He then told me that he was downstairs. I was shocked beyond comprehension to find out that he was right there when I arrived home. I said goodbye to Joseph and went downstairs to talk to Mark. Seeing Mark saddened me, we were inside his car not talking. Then I told him that I was really busy that day due to a paper due the next day and it was already 1am. He asked me “Who is he?” to which I replied he’s my classmate and he asked, “Do you like him?”. I was surprised by the question and I told him what kind of question was that, he was my classmate and we’re doing a project together so asking me if I like him was out of the question. But right after I answered him, he asked me if I still love him to which I did not have a response. I told him I was not really in the mood for his questions and my mind was on my paper, I asked him if we can talk about it some other time because I was really busy and its late. He told me that we have to talk right there and then and settle it or I won’t see him again. I am a lousy liar when it comes to how I feel, he told me he thinks its better to separate ways if I am no longer in love with him. I was stunned and told him we’ll talk again when I’m no longer busy and occupied with school work. But from that moment, I knew that it was over. I went back to my paper and finished it. Joseph was texting me but I did not reply. I needed the time to think and mull over what’s happening.
I realized that being in a relationship means a lot to me that I cannot pretend to be happy when I no longer am. I am happy whenever I’m with Joseph. And for me, finding happiness is like finding yourself. What makes me happy is finding the meaning of being contented. And at that time, being with Joseph was enough. I was only thinking of my happiness at that time. I did not think of Mark, I did not want to be bothered with what our friends will say. I only had my mind on Joseph and what could happen next.
The next thing I know Joseph and I were inseparable, I am no longer in a relationship but Joseph was still with Lila but I did not care. My friends saw me happy but they did not share my happiness because they knew that I was not the only one in the picture. They kept on telling me that I deserve better. That being 2nd best is not good enough.
Joseph and I were in love (or so I thought). I was head over heels in love with him. I was oblivious with the happenings in the outside world. All I knew was that I was happy because he was there. I wore my heart on my sleeve. I was constantly thinking of him. It was the first time that I felt I was so much in love. Being with him was enough for me. My face lights up with the mere thought of him. What I failed to check was if he was into me as well. Joseph assured me that I was more of his girlfriend than Lila, he liked me more and he spends 6 out of 7 days with me. That, during that time was enough.
Then the peer pressure that I was not doing the right thing increased. They kept on telling me to stop seeing him. It will do me no good. He was a 2 timing jerk… etc… I was blinded.
Finally, peer pressure got the better of me. That's when I told him we needed to stop seeing each other. That was my saddest day, rather that was the start of my sadness and sorrow. Not being with him made me realize that I am not ready for this kind of dejection. It was the first time my heart was broken. I was crying the whole time. I can’t go to school and I was really on my worst days. My friends were still there. They kept me sane though deep inside I was so hurt. I constantly cried and regret the day when I told him that we had to stop. I knew I did the right thing but my heart didn’t feel the same. I felt empty. My life was suddenly dull. After the magic, suddenly there was darkness.
My friends told me that maybe we were no meant to be but I believe otherwise. I believe that we make our own destiny. We are destined towards something but somewhere along the way we have to help destiny find us.
Joseph and I are still friends, or that’s what we keep on telling ourselves. He’s been in and out of relationships. I’ve been in and out of meaningless flings. Once or twice I fancied myself in love and then realized that I’m not. I was just in love with the idea of being in love. Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him.
It’s been 5 years but I always look back and remember how it feels to be in love. It’s been 5 years and I still remember what happened as if it just happened yesterday. What happened, how it happened is still vivid in my mind. I know that my friends feel sorry for me but if I will be asked if I have any regrets… I will only have one reply. My only regret is that it had to end.
But looking back, I learned a lot from the experience. Because of you, I promised myself a few things.
1. I will never be afraid to get hurt.
2. I will be more ready for rejection (though I'm not successful in this area).
3. I will overcome my fears and take advantage of opportunities.
The experience taught me to seize the day. To take the lead and be strong for life's challenges. I have enough willpower to overcome the rough roads.
- It's a secret no one tells
One day it's heaven
One day it's hell
And it's no fairy tale take it from me
That's that way it's supposed to be
(Even Angels Fall)
It seems like depression has been my constant companion for the past few days or maybe weeks. Call it quarter life crisis or the fear of being alone while everybody around me is starting their own “family life”. 25 years of existence… and now I’m ready to share my love story.
I met him in college, I was a shiftee… From Day 1 in their college, I have always felt like an intruder, who wouldn’t, when I joined their class when everybody knows everybody and people would group with people they’re familiar with. I hated the fact that I had to do group projects with the people who weren’t included in the “cliques” inside the class. I am quite good. I mean, I have always been popular in college, unfortunately shifting to another college on my 3rd year was not an easy task. When I first joined the college, I didn’t know a single soul. Some familiar faces, but these faces weren’t really what I’d call friends but then, this would have to do since I’m a newcomer, right?
After a year in the college, my social status has not changed. I was still the shiftee with no regular group mates. First semester on my 4th year and the 1st day in class on one my subjects when I met him. I was sitting at the last row near the door trying to distract myself when he came inside the class late. He was greeted by the people inside the room so I looked up and saw his face. It wasn’t love at first sight that’s for sure, with my experience in the college, I haven’t made a single friend so all these people were just acquaintances and classmates. I was not expecting anything from this class. I needed to attend classes with them because I need to finish college and it wasn’t as if I was given the choice. And then the class started. I was sitting between him and another girl I have known the past year. The girl, Jane, introduced us and we said our Hello’s. Halfway through the class, our professor told us to group ourselves into three. I was just sitting there waiting for people who will need a spare when Jane told me that we can be group mates, the 3 of us. Well, I was never picky with my group mates since I changed my major so it was ok and I was a little relieved and a little annoyed because people were staring while checking out the groupings. So the guy, let’s call him Joseph. Joseph was definitely in demand, a lot of the people in class wanted to have him in their group but he was so polite in turning them down and told them that he’s got himself a group already. We then exchanged our numbers and planned what to do on our project. We had to meet that Friday, after class to do research and we all agreed to meet at 1pm. I was already there waiting for my 2 group mates when I got word that Jane wasn’t feeling well and will not be able to join us. So ok, no problem. Joseph arrived and we talked and thought on what we can work on for now. Well, not to waste our time, we did some ambush interviews and tried to do some research. I was surprised on how nice Joseph was. He was very easy to talk to and I really had fun talking to him. He is always smiling and he’s got the cutest dimples on earth. We went out to do the research and it was fun. We barely missed Jane, it was like “our day” to meet and get to know each other. We talked and talked. Until on one of our research areas, we saw one of his ex-girlfriend’s bestfriend. He introduced me and I had no idea who she was, just that Joseph said she was from the same college. On our way back to school, he got a text message that pissed him off. It was from the girl, a message that was intended for his ex-gf that was missent to him. Oh boy, was I intrigued. That’s when I learned that his relationship with his ex left problems for him. He then told me their story and hearing his side of the story, I, of course took his side. Without realizing what happened, our friendship was suddenly there. We traded secrets and silently trusted each other. During this time, I had a boyfriend, Mark. Mark and I have been together for a year and a half. I believed that I was really in love with Mark. He was the ideal boyfriend.
First 2 weeks of my first semester and I realized that Joseph, Jane and I have 2 classes together. Joseph was just too nice and sweet. He’s got himself a girlfriend by the way. His girlfriend is Lila, a school figure in the field of school politics. She’s older than Joseph. During that time, I only knew Lila by name. But as luck would have it, I was also bound to meet Lila after “our” relationship with Joseph. The ironies of life, huh?
From the first group meeting, Joseph and I got closer. We see each other everyday, with or without classes. After classes, during breaks, we text constantly and we talk on the phone for hours. We were inseparable and I soon realized that I’m falling for him. It made me wonder if he felt the same way. But his actions showed that he also cared. We became each other’s ally. We told each other everything. During that time, he was my sunshine. He put light on my days, he was the reason I smile. Just the idea of seeing him in school made me giggle. The idea that we’ll hang out and talk makes me giddy and look forward to my day. I dread the end of the day when we have to part and go home. Though when we’re home, we talk on the phone for hours. We watched movies in places where we’re sure no one will know us. We were at each other’s back all the time. Then one day, after Joseph dropped me off, I was in front of my pc doing a report while I was talking to Joseph on the phone when my boyfriend Mark texted me that I don’t even inform him when I get home. I was surprised by his message so I replied that I just got home and was busy writing a paper. He then told me that he was downstairs. I was shocked beyond comprehension to find out that he was right there when I arrived home. I said goodbye to Joseph and went downstairs to talk to Mark. Seeing Mark saddened me, we were inside his car not talking. Then I told him that I was really busy that day due to a paper due the next day and it was already 1am. He asked me “Who is he?” to which I replied he’s my classmate and he asked, “Do you like him?”. I was surprised by the question and I told him what kind of question was that, he was my classmate and we’re doing a project together so asking me if I like him was out of the question. But right after I answered him, he asked me if I still love him to which I did not have a response. I told him I was not really in the mood for his questions and my mind was on my paper, I asked him if we can talk about it some other time because I was really busy and its late. He told me that we have to talk right there and then and settle it or I won’t see him again. I am a lousy liar when it comes to how I feel, he told me he thinks its better to separate ways if I am no longer in love with him. I was stunned and told him we’ll talk again when I’m no longer busy and occupied with school work. But from that moment, I knew that it was over. I went back to my paper and finished it. Joseph was texting me but I did not reply. I needed the time to think and mull over what’s happening.
I realized that being in a relationship means a lot to me that I cannot pretend to be happy when I no longer am. I am happy whenever I’m with Joseph. And for me, finding happiness is like finding yourself. What makes me happy is finding the meaning of being contented. And at that time, being with Joseph was enough. I was only thinking of my happiness at that time. I did not think of Mark, I did not want to be bothered with what our friends will say. I only had my mind on Joseph and what could happen next.
The next thing I know Joseph and I were inseparable, I am no longer in a relationship but Joseph was still with Lila but I did not care. My friends saw me happy but they did not share my happiness because they knew that I was not the only one in the picture. They kept on telling me that I deserve better. That being 2nd best is not good enough.
Joseph and I were in love (or so I thought). I was head over heels in love with him. I was oblivious with the happenings in the outside world. All I knew was that I was happy because he was there. I wore my heart on my sleeve. I was constantly thinking of him. It was the first time that I felt I was so much in love. Being with him was enough for me. My face lights up with the mere thought of him. What I failed to check was if he was into me as well. Joseph assured me that I was more of his girlfriend than Lila, he liked me more and he spends 6 out of 7 days with me. That, during that time was enough.
Then the peer pressure that I was not doing the right thing increased. They kept on telling me to stop seeing him. It will do me no good. He was a 2 timing jerk… etc… I was blinded.
Finally, peer pressure got the better of me. That's when I told him we needed to stop seeing each other. That was my saddest day, rather that was the start of my sadness and sorrow. Not being with him made me realize that I am not ready for this kind of dejection. It was the first time my heart was broken. I was crying the whole time. I can’t go to school and I was really on my worst days. My friends were still there. They kept me sane though deep inside I was so hurt. I constantly cried and regret the day when I told him that we had to stop. I knew I did the right thing but my heart didn’t feel the same. I felt empty. My life was suddenly dull. After the magic, suddenly there was darkness.
My friends told me that maybe we were no meant to be but I believe otherwise. I believe that we make our own destiny. We are destined towards something but somewhere along the way we have to help destiny find us.
Joseph and I are still friends, or that’s what we keep on telling ourselves. He’s been in and out of relationships. I’ve been in and out of meaningless flings. Once or twice I fancied myself in love and then realized that I’m not. I was just in love with the idea of being in love. Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him.
It’s been 5 years but I always look back and remember how it feels to be in love. It’s been 5 years and I still remember what happened as if it just happened yesterday. What happened, how it happened is still vivid in my mind. I know that my friends feel sorry for me but if I will be asked if I have any regrets… I will only have one reply. My only regret is that it had to end.
But looking back, I learned a lot from the experience. Because of you, I promised myself a few things.
1. I will never be afraid to get hurt.
2. I will be more ready for rejection (though I'm not successful in this area).
3. I will overcome my fears and take advantage of opportunities.
The experience taught me to seize the day. To take the lead and be strong for life's challenges. I have enough willpower to overcome the rough roads.
- It's a secret no one tells
One day it's heaven
One day it's hell
And it's no fairy tale take it from me
That's that way it's supposed to be
(Even Angels Fall)
Monday, July 31, 2006
back on a rainy monday...
It's a Monday and I'm back on track. I'm back online which only means I'm back at work. Oh well, it's still raining. The whole weekend passed by like a blur. I didn't even notice that it was already a Monday. I came in early today, why? because I really wanted to see a movie... I went to a movie prior to coming to work. I watched the break up with Lei, read some reviews last week and I really wanted to see the movie aside from the fact that I'm a big Jennifer Aniston fan, actually, i'm a big "FRIENDS" fan so i kinda dig anything "FRIENDS-y".
The movie was ok. Jen Aniston was hot. She is soooo sexy and her tan is fantastic. That's what happens when you get over a break up, right? You have to look your best and try to get it over with asap. In her case, she was smoking.
Over the weekend, I went out with my sister and her husband for my super cute nephew's check up. I was so tired after that I fell asleep. Sunday, I went to church at 4:30 and then waited for Lyn to pick me up. We then went to Antipolo and got lost in KingKong land... Hahahaha.. as in.. We have all been to Ferm's castle in Antipolo but for some reason we missed a turn along the way and ended up going the wrong direction. It took us 2 hrs to reach the place when we could reach it in 30. We travelled more than 10 kms before we realized we were lost and turned back. It was a kind of scary out of the way area... No cars and it was dark.. Oh well, we learned our lesson and I guess now we know how to get to Antipolo. After eating in Antipolo and watching the finale of Ghost Whisperer, we headed back to the city and went to BigSky for a couple of drinks... i got home at past 4 in the morning and realized that my hair smells like hell. I tried to take a rest before taking a bath but I ended up falling asleep and I woke up at 8am feeling really tired because of the way I was lying on my bed. I then took a bath and slept... That was better.
Nothing spectacular on my weekend... now i'm back to work but im not feeling it. I have lost the feeling a few months back... The feeling that you just want to go home and rest. Or find something that you enjoy too much to be called work. I'm looking for something new to look forward to, where I don't have to drag my ass off to work. Somewhere I'd be excited to dress up for. Does that make any sense? or not at all? I've been in for an hour now, have to get back to work... I have tons of work but for some reason, I don't even want to open a single report. What a way to start my workweek, huh?
Adrian's not yet online either... There's noone to keep me company while I start my work... I have another story to tell, but I have to start setting the groove... Blog to be continued...
Rainy days and Mondays always gets me down...
The movie was ok. Jen Aniston was hot. She is soooo sexy and her tan is fantastic. That's what happens when you get over a break up, right? You have to look your best and try to get it over with asap. In her case, she was smoking.
Over the weekend, I went out with my sister and her husband for my super cute nephew's check up. I was so tired after that I fell asleep. Sunday, I went to church at 4:30 and then waited for Lyn to pick me up. We then went to Antipolo and got lost in KingKong land... Hahahaha.. as in.. We have all been to Ferm's castle in Antipolo but for some reason we missed a turn along the way and ended up going the wrong direction. It took us 2 hrs to reach the place when we could reach it in 30. We travelled more than 10 kms before we realized we were lost and turned back. It was a kind of scary out of the way area... No cars and it was dark.. Oh well, we learned our lesson and I guess now we know how to get to Antipolo. After eating in Antipolo and watching the finale of Ghost Whisperer, we headed back to the city and went to BigSky for a couple of drinks... i got home at past 4 in the morning and realized that my hair smells like hell. I tried to take a rest before taking a bath but I ended up falling asleep and I woke up at 8am feeling really tired because of the way I was lying on my bed. I then took a bath and slept... That was better.
Nothing spectacular on my weekend... now i'm back to work but im not feeling it. I have lost the feeling a few months back... The feeling that you just want to go home and rest. Or find something that you enjoy too much to be called work. I'm looking for something new to look forward to, where I don't have to drag my ass off to work. Somewhere I'd be excited to dress up for. Does that make any sense? or not at all? I've been in for an hour now, have to get back to work... I have tons of work but for some reason, I don't even want to open a single report. What a way to start my workweek, huh?
Adrian's not yet online either... There's noone to keep me company while I start my work... I have another story to tell, but I have to start setting the groove... Blog to be continued...
Rainy days and Mondays always gets me down...
Friday, July 28, 2006
hip and trendy.. dream on
I’ve been blogging for a few months now but even if I do express my thoughts on my blogs I never had the encouragement to share it, not even with my closest friends… Well, that was the situation until today. My good friend Adrian asked me to create a blog, I told him I already have 1 but I am not ready to share… he told me to be creative with it and design it. I’m the person who doesn’t have much of a creative bone in my body. I am the least creative person. I don’t really mess with designs because I’m not really qualified to be in the “good” category. My friend Adrian is the creative one so I asked him for help… Voila! I was just so excited to see my blog looking so hip and trendy… Wow could not even begin to describe my excitement… It’s soooo cool. Too cool that I made a blog. It makes blogging more interesting.
Enough about my hip and trendy blog… It’s Friday and it’s that day of the week that I always look forward to. Whenever I come in on Mondays, Friday seems a long way to go… but whenever Thursday is around… I’m just too excited for Friday. Not that I have anything special to do this weekend but Friday for me means I have 2 days of rest and hmnn… what else?? 2 days of no PC in front of me. No deadlines, no emails to reply to… Relax… Lounge… Eat and watch a movie…. That kind of thing…
Well, if I have a boyfriend, weekends will definitely be more exciting, right? But as it is… I am single and hip… or so I think. Or that’s what I keep on telling myself. Does that make any sense at all??
If I have a boyfriend, what could I possibly be doing this weekend? Well, I have to see my boyfriend this Saturday right, we will have to go to the mall and do some shopping for my apartment. I need to replenish some of my stocks. Then we can go bring back my groceries back and lounge in my apartment… And then go out for dinner and a movie… Wait, is there a good movie showing? Well… I will indulge my baby and we will watch Nacho Libre even if I’m not into it… Well, he’ll go watch The Break Up with me next time… After the dinner, he’ll bring me home and stay for a nightcap…
Well, I can dream, right? I haven’t had a relationship for a few years now. I miss the feeling of being in love… Taking care of someone and being taken cared of.
That’s all for a Friday… I’m currently listening to the song Always Love by Nada Surf. I like their version… Its indulging.
Have a good weekend and I’ll be back on Monday!
Enough about my hip and trendy blog… It’s Friday and it’s that day of the week that I always look forward to. Whenever I come in on Mondays, Friday seems a long way to go… but whenever Thursday is around… I’m just too excited for Friday. Not that I have anything special to do this weekend but Friday for me means I have 2 days of rest and hmnn… what else?? 2 days of no PC in front of me. No deadlines, no emails to reply to… Relax… Lounge… Eat and watch a movie…. That kind of thing…
Well, if I have a boyfriend, weekends will definitely be more exciting, right? But as it is… I am single and hip… or so I think. Or that’s what I keep on telling myself. Does that make any sense at all??
If I have a boyfriend, what could I possibly be doing this weekend? Well, I have to see my boyfriend this Saturday right, we will have to go to the mall and do some shopping for my apartment. I need to replenish some of my stocks. Then we can go bring back my groceries back and lounge in my apartment… And then go out for dinner and a movie… Wait, is there a good movie showing? Well… I will indulge my baby and we will watch Nacho Libre even if I’m not into it… Well, he’ll go watch The Break Up with me next time… After the dinner, he’ll bring me home and stay for a nightcap…
Well, I can dream, right? I haven’t had a relationship for a few years now. I miss the feeling of being in love… Taking care of someone and being taken cared of.
That’s all for a Friday… I’m currently listening to the song Always Love by Nada Surf. I like their version… Its indulging.
Have a good weekend and I’ll be back on Monday!
Monday, July 24, 2006
give it up
the mood is definitely set to be sad and sullen - same with the weather. It has been raining non stop for the past 2-3 days and while its July and we all know that July is a rainy season, i still can't help but cooperate with the weather... meaning, feel blue. I have been seeing an old friend for the past 2 weeks and it suddently went on a halt. Sometimes guys do that... out of nowhere - you are just left hanging. just left hanging. I hate it.
I'm 25 and should know better. I have been dating since I was 16 and I am like a dating guru but here I am contemplating on what i should do next with this a**hole of a guy. One of my good friends told me.. well, he might be disappointed because I wouldn't sleep with him but for the love of God... why will I sleep with him??? We are in the Philippines, and last time I checked its not NYC. Well, maybe I am not yet as liberated as I claim to be but what the heck.
Needless to say, I have been in the worst of moods over the weekend. And again for the 4th time since Saturday night, i will not initiate anything. Well i texted him last Saturday and last Sunday and the last was last night (monday night). I will not text him nor will I call him. The nerve. I am just hurt, rather my pride is hurt...
And while I have been blogging, my playlist just gave me a bright idea. I love this song but I focused on the lyrics just now...
I will not give up cigarettes just yet though.
Coffee & Cigarettes
I gave up coffee and cigarettes
I hate to say it hasn’t helped me yet
I thought my problems would just dissipate
And all my pain would be in yesterday
I poured my booze all down the kitchen drain
And watched my bad habits get flushed away
I thought that that would keep my head on straight
And all my pain would be in yesterday
But it’s trueI’m still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit, I must quit, you
I thought that if I didn’t go and play
The sadness would get bored and go away
I thought that if I didn’t go astray
That all my pain would be in yesterday
But it’s trueI’m still blue
But I finally know what to doI must quit, I must quit, you
I sold my guitar and my piano
I thought that it was these that kept me low
I thought if only I could try and change
That all my pain would be in yesterday
But it’s trueI’m still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit, I must quit, youI must quit, I must quit, you
Well.. yeah.. I will soon "try" to quit smoking... I'm at it full blast again.. with all the stress..
its almost 8.. have to get going.. blog tmw... =)
Thursday, July 20, 2006
old friend, new spark
for some reason, i feel bad today... i went out on a date with an old friend.. a guy friend whom i've known since i was in college. He is younger than me, 3 years younger so that means I was already in college, he was still in high school. Well, let's just say we had a small thing then but we were both in college at that time... :) I was, i think on my last year - i spent 5 years in college and he was a 2nd year i believe.. anyway, he called me last week and I was surprised to find out he's here because last I've heard was that he was in New Jersey with his family. We then agreed to meet, he went to my apartment and we talked about a lot of things.. Well, he's older now and he has changed a little... he will always be the younger guy i kissed in college. it was fun to see him and reminisce our old antics. Boy, do i feel old. Well, that's life right.
From last week, we've been seeing each other, texting at least 100 messages a day... asking what each other is up to... To make it short, we were back to how we were 5 years ago. The difference is, i feel different, I like him - may it be that I don't have a relationship so I am considering a relationship even with a long time younger friend?? bummer, i don't want to think that I am desperate but i feel different.. i like him. and the sad thing is he's going back to the states next month. and the sweetest thing happened yesterday, we were cuddling and kissing when out of the blue i asked him if he remembers the first time we kissed, he told me when, where and how it happened, he even remembers it in a more detailed manner than i do. i was so surprised and i was just so flattered. i felt special. i think not even the guy i've been loving all these years with no reciprocation! and to no avail - remembers the first time we kissed, yet here he is... my good old friend telling me in detail our first sweet encounter... wow.. it felt good.
will i make the most out of our relationship while he's here? or do i bail out now to avoid getting hurt? we are not talking about relationships and i am happy with the set up but will i still be happy when he leaves? i also don't believe in long distance relationships - i have tried being in that type of relationship and it didn't even last 5 months...
will i be strong enough to keep my friendship with him even if i'm feeling different?
am i just desperate to be in a relationship that i am holding on to a friend?
when do i draw the line when the line is undefined... im confused...
From last week, we've been seeing each other, texting at least 100 messages a day... asking what each other is up to... To make it short, we were back to how we were 5 years ago. The difference is, i feel different, I like him - may it be that I don't have a relationship so I am considering a relationship even with a long time younger friend?? bummer, i don't want to think that I am desperate but i feel different.. i like him. and the sad thing is he's going back to the states next month. and the sweetest thing happened yesterday, we were cuddling and kissing when out of the blue i asked him if he remembers the first time we kissed, he told me when, where and how it happened, he even remembers it in a more detailed manner than i do. i was so surprised and i was just so flattered. i felt special. i think not even the guy i've been loving all these years with no reciprocation! and to no avail - remembers the first time we kissed, yet here he is... my good old friend telling me in detail our first sweet encounter... wow.. it felt good.
will i make the most out of our relationship while he's here? or do i bail out now to avoid getting hurt? we are not talking about relationships and i am happy with the set up but will i still be happy when he leaves? i also don't believe in long distance relationships - i have tried being in that type of relationship and it didn't even last 5 months...
will i be strong enough to keep my friendship with him even if i'm feeling different?
am i just desperate to be in a relationship that i am holding on to a friend?
when do i draw the line when the line is undefined... im confused...
Friday, June 16, 2006
ms independent
i just moved to an apartment of my own. I have been independent since I was 16, but now I'm paying for everything. Well, I've been paying for myself longer but I still ask for my parents' assistance every once in a while but after I moved into my new place, I decided that I will try my best to be independent. I am very excited in decorating my new room, buying stuff to make it feel home...
oh well.. in short.. im busy with it... and im happy and excited... in a good way... i love being on my own but nothing beats being on your own condo unit.
it's such a feel good home that definitely shows my independence...
im alone... but im happy... wow.. that's something new...
oh well.. in short.. im busy with it... and im happy and excited... in a good way... i love being on my own but nothing beats being on your own condo unit.
it's such a feel good home that definitely shows my independence...
im alone... but im happy... wow.. that's something new...
Monday, May 22, 2006
exhausting and fun-filled weekend with old pals
i had a great weekend. it was exhausting to be out from Sat until Monday morning drinking with old friends... Hanging out and reminiscing our crazy antics when we were younger... we had a lot of laugh by merely thinking of our stupid actions then.. that's a good sign of maturity.. we have grown for the better now.. i'd like to think that we all have grown for the better and we never fail to surprise each other with something new... and something unexpected... twas fun..
nwei.. i was late for work.. considering the activities i had over the weekend.. i even squeezed in a movie.. davinci code.. twas a good movie.. though a lot of miss from the book, oh well.. it will take more than 2hrs to show the whole book and the movie needed its cinematic effects..
well.. since i was late for work and nobody was in when i came in.. i browsed and found this song.. the lyrics hit me... i love this song.. m gonna drop by the mall and check out the cd..
"Unwritten"
I am unwritten, can't read my mind,
I'm undefinedI'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, ohI break tradition,
sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it inNo one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, yeah, yeah
The song is really good... Read the lyrics and feel it..
I'm undefined...
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned..
this is like my life right now.. =) though it made it sound poetic and cool..
I'm still unwritten..
nwei.. i was late for work.. considering the activities i had over the weekend.. i even squeezed in a movie.. davinci code.. twas a good movie.. though a lot of miss from the book, oh well.. it will take more than 2hrs to show the whole book and the movie needed its cinematic effects..
well.. since i was late for work and nobody was in when i came in.. i browsed and found this song.. the lyrics hit me... i love this song.. m gonna drop by the mall and check out the cd..
"Unwritten"
I am unwritten, can't read my mind,
I'm undefinedI'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, ohI break tradition,
sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it inNo one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, yeah, yeah
The song is really good... Read the lyrics and feel it..
I'm undefined...
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned..
this is like my life right now.. =) though it made it sound poetic and cool..
I'm still unwritten..
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
stress addict...
i just got off all my workload today... it's been a tough week... my 3rd day and what i've noticed is that the workload is piling up... and i just realized that i don't even go on breaks or go to the restroom to take a p***. I am a workaholic, that's right. I'm a self confessed workaholic.
i'm about to go home but thought that i have to relax and sit for a few minutes before i leave the office. I'm tired... but this is a lot better cause then when I get home, i get to sleep... i love to sleep soundly... The past weeks, there is always 1 or 2 nights that I won't be able to sleep well and I always look forward on the next day because it guarantees me of a goodnight sleep due to exhaustion. Talk about a slavedriver.
oh well.. i miss the beach. last year i was even more loaded with work and i get lesser sleep but i was definitely rocking!!! i was like in the beach at least once or twice a week... it releases all the stress... loved it..
anyway... i haven't gone to the beach for this summer, well.. except the last week of feb but that doesn't count, summer does not officially start until april 1, right???
i hope to be able to go to the beach soon... i'm tired...
oh well.. gotta go home now...
gonna get a good sleep... hopefully i will wake up in the right side of the bed.
i'm about to go home but thought that i have to relax and sit for a few minutes before i leave the office. I'm tired... but this is a lot better cause then when I get home, i get to sleep... i love to sleep soundly... The past weeks, there is always 1 or 2 nights that I won't be able to sleep well and I always look forward on the next day because it guarantees me of a goodnight sleep due to exhaustion. Talk about a slavedriver.
oh well.. i miss the beach. last year i was even more loaded with work and i get lesser sleep but i was definitely rocking!!! i was like in the beach at least once or twice a week... it releases all the stress... loved it..
anyway... i haven't gone to the beach for this summer, well.. except the last week of feb but that doesn't count, summer does not officially start until april 1, right???
i hope to be able to go to the beach soon... i'm tired...
oh well.. gotta go home now...
gonna get a good sleep... hopefully i will wake up in the right side of the bed.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
the kill
i suddenly knew that this is my song... Ive been in love with you for 5 years... 5 long years... im crazy...
Kill
Well you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will
Could it be that everything goes around by chance?
Or only one way that it was always meant to be?
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say
Hey hey, hey hey
I know what I should do but I just can't walk away
I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel I wish I could meet you
I'll pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heath Mizer song goes
It's just like being alone
Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain
I need answers for what all the waiting
I've done these You kill me
You've got some nerve
But can't face your mistakes
Hey hey, hey hey I know what I should do but I just can't turn away
So go on, love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Gotta take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
And so much regret I know what you want to say
I know it but can't help but feel indifferently
I loved you and I should have said it
But tell me, just what has it ever meant?
I can't help it baby, this is who I am
Sorry but I can't just go turn off how I feel
You kill me
You build me up but just to watch me break
Hey hey, hey hey
I know what I should do but I just can't walk away
... i really hope i can walk away...
but you're always there...
Kill
Well you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will
Could it be that everything goes around by chance?
Or only one way that it was always meant to be?
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say
Hey hey, hey hey
I know what I should do but I just can't walk away
I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel I wish I could meet you
I'll pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heath Mizer song goes
It's just like being alone
Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain
I need answers for what all the waiting
I've done these You kill me
You've got some nerve
But can't face your mistakes
Hey hey, hey hey I know what I should do but I just can't turn away
So go on, love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Gotta take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
And so much regret I know what you want to say
I know it but can't help but feel indifferently
I loved you and I should have said it
But tell me, just what has it ever meant?
I can't help it baby, this is who I am
Sorry but I can't just go turn off how I feel
You kill me
You build me up but just to watch me break
Hey hey, hey hey
I know what I should do but I just can't walk away
... i really hope i can walk away...
but you're always there...
Thursday, April 13, 2006
depressed.. depressed... depressed...
before i continue on what i have written before.. just wanted to say that i am really depressed these days. i feel alone. i can't seem to find the path that im trying to walk on. i have my family, my friends (i actually have a lot of friends - but sometimes i wonder who my real friends are) and my work... oops.. sumthing's missing. i don't have a significant other. is that why i'm depressed? and i feel alone? hmnn.. i've always hold that thought in my mind. that the reason for this is a significant other who'll walk with me on my path..
interesting..
interesting..
Monday, April 03, 2006
my life...
i'm 25 years young and am supposed to be having the time of my life. Instead I am cramped inside the world where you need to get your ass off to work on a daily basis and work... work.. work..
I was born and raised in the province, 2-3 hour drive from Manila. As a young girl, i don't really remember having big problems except when I have my occassional fights with my mom or my sister. But aside from that, my childhood was pretty normal -- or to other people, you can call it boring...
The thrill started when i went to college and studied in the best university in the counry - University of the Philippines... I have always dreamt of being independent but studying in UP was more than I expected. I had the best time of my life in college. I guess I am pretty smart to get away with good grades -- to think I don't really study that much and what I love is go out, party, drink and go boys hunting.. School was good to me... I never got the chance to experience having a demeaning 5 in my subjects even if I was a regular candidate for dropping on majority of my subjects, still i got away with it...
College was even made more exciting by my sorority.. Joining a sorority was a lot more fun and fulfilling that I expected it to be.. It also needed a lot of work... When I joined my sorority, my firsthand idea was that it's all going to be party, booze and boys... boy, was i in for a shock. We had to do a lot of political things and socio cultural activities. On top of our agenda is politics. And since I already got my way inside the sorority, I eventually got myself in the middle of a lot of stuff, I was a very active advocate of our priniciples and objectives. I had fun and as a person, it made me grow a lot.
College was a rough sail.. I had my first love, first heartbreak in college... i grew up and learned about life...
UP made me independent in every way possible... I was quite a campus figure in my own right(kidding aside).. I actually cared about being popular and tried my best to hide it and appear as nonchalant about my being popular and all(it was all superficial)... But i knew better, i love being talked about and having people know me by my name... I was like one of those popular matinee idols though at a different domain... and i loved it. loved every single minute of it.
I was always on the spotlight, i loved being the center of attention. I dated almost all the boys i liked. All my projects were a blast. I go out every weekend not to count the weekdays that i also party.
Whew! what a life i had back thenn... I was living the "life", the one that I always thought only existed in the movies but nah.. i was able to experience it.. all the glory, fun and pain it caused me.
It was like living a double life, i had an image to protect... When I was elected as the sorority's head, it was the highlight of my college career... I got invited at almost every party or whatever event is happening. Most of my girlfriends want me as their head honcho in going to these parties. With the boys, I was just as popular... hahahahaha.. talk about my ego back then... getting all the guys to call and text me... ask me out.. the problem was i knew that i was a prized catch then, that i can have any guy i like... i played hard to get.. i was probably the biggest flirt in campus...
As much as i denied it then, when i contemplate on it now.. whew.. i was capable of a lot of things... hehehehe...
this is to be continued... i'll finish this up later...
I was born and raised in the province, 2-3 hour drive from Manila. As a young girl, i don't really remember having big problems except when I have my occassional fights with my mom or my sister. But aside from that, my childhood was pretty normal -- or to other people, you can call it boring...
The thrill started when i went to college and studied in the best university in the counry - University of the Philippines... I have always dreamt of being independent but studying in UP was more than I expected. I had the best time of my life in college. I guess I am pretty smart to get away with good grades -- to think I don't really study that much and what I love is go out, party, drink and go boys hunting.. School was good to me... I never got the chance to experience having a demeaning 5 in my subjects even if I was a regular candidate for dropping on majority of my subjects, still i got away with it...
College was even made more exciting by my sorority.. Joining a sorority was a lot more fun and fulfilling that I expected it to be.. It also needed a lot of work... When I joined my sorority, my firsthand idea was that it's all going to be party, booze and boys... boy, was i in for a shock. We had to do a lot of political things and socio cultural activities. On top of our agenda is politics. And since I already got my way inside the sorority, I eventually got myself in the middle of a lot of stuff, I was a very active advocate of our priniciples and objectives. I had fun and as a person, it made me grow a lot.
College was a rough sail.. I had my first love, first heartbreak in college... i grew up and learned about life...
UP made me independent in every way possible... I was quite a campus figure in my own right(kidding aside).. I actually cared about being popular and tried my best to hide it and appear as nonchalant about my being popular and all(it was all superficial)... But i knew better, i love being talked about and having people know me by my name... I was like one of those popular matinee idols though at a different domain... and i loved it. loved every single minute of it.
I was always on the spotlight, i loved being the center of attention. I dated almost all the boys i liked. All my projects were a blast. I go out every weekend not to count the weekdays that i also party.
Whew! what a life i had back thenn... I was living the "life", the one that I always thought only existed in the movies but nah.. i was able to experience it.. all the glory, fun and pain it caused me.
It was like living a double life, i had an image to protect... When I was elected as the sorority's head, it was the highlight of my college career... I got invited at almost every party or whatever event is happening. Most of my girlfriends want me as their head honcho in going to these parties. With the boys, I was just as popular... hahahahaha.. talk about my ego back then... getting all the guys to call and text me... ask me out.. the problem was i knew that i was a prized catch then, that i can have any guy i like... i played hard to get.. i was probably the biggest flirt in campus...
As much as i denied it then, when i contemplate on it now.. whew.. i was capable of a lot of things... hehehehe...
this is to be continued... i'll finish this up later...
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