“you always want what you can’t have”

I am not overweight and yet I have been telling myself to lose 10 lbs for the past 3 years. I have a skinny friend who has been forever trying to gain weight. The basics, right? I want to be taller, have longer and shapely legs so that mini skirts would look great on me. I want a smaller waist so that I can wear anything and not worry about all my fats showing. I want to have commercial worthy hair that flows down my back and would sway at my every move. I want… I want… I want…

If I will count the things I want to have, its endless. These are the stuff that would really be nice to have but I know that I just can’t have them. Well, maybe rebonding can give my hair the commercial worthiness I’m looking for but it’s going to cost me a lot. For the things we want to have, there’s a price to pay. But when we talk about things that we want, why do we always want the things that we can’t just have???

And speaking of wanting things that we just can’t have… How about when you like someone and that someone likes somebody else? Or when you know that someone likes you, you just know that you like someone else? It’s a tedious cycle. People love the idea of chasing something that’s very difficult to reach.

Take for instance, I know a situation where a girl has told an admirer a thousand times that she cannot counter his feelings with more than the confines of friendship and that the idea of “coupledom” for them is just impossible, ridiculous and hopeless. And yet the guy is still clueless on what impossible means. Isn’t that funny? You’ve been told right in your face that it’s not possible and yet you never give up. Well, some people really find it difficult to accept the fact that some things are not meant to be. Some people like to take chances, count the odds and measure the probabilities even if it’s blinking the warning sign right from the beginning.

When we take chances, isn’t it better to think that you’ve got an 80-20 odds? I mean I am not an avid fan of taking chances, well I maybe tried that once or twice but that took a lot of courage and thinking. But some people have enough audacity for an entire community. Can we still call that courage when it goes beyond boundaries? When do we consider having too much nerve questionable?

Hmnn… It’s amusing to think about it because we know people who have that kind of attitude, people who have the guts to go after what they want. And when I think about it, do I even have half of the courage they have to go after what I want? The only way to pass a test is to take the test, right?

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that things are difficult. - Seneca

life and saturdays...

There are days when you don’t have anything to do at all and there are days when there are too many activities or gimmicks that you want to accommodate them all. How come there’s no balance at all?

Of all the previous Saturdays that I did not have much to do and I did not have to go to work, this Saturday proved to be an ultimate disappointment. First, it was frat night, second, a friend who I haven’t seen for almost 3 years asked if we could have coffee and catch up. Another friend was going to godskitchen but I’m not into house music so that didn’t count, I wouldn’t go even if I were free. Hehehe… chill? I don’t chill, I like it hot. =)

Then, Saturday morning after my Friday night work, my sister and her baby went to my apartment. My nephew is just too cute to resist so we played even if I haven’t slept the day. Then my sister asked me to go to the mall since there’s a big sale, so we went to the mall. After an hour or two, we went back to the apartment. My nephew is too heavy to carry and we got so tired so we decided it’s time for the baby’s nap… But he wasn’t ready for sleep yet. He wanted to play. I was so sleepy but he’s too adorable… For today I only slept for 2hours… When I woke up, I felt that there were a lot of things to do but I didn’t have the time.

So I decided to be responsible and go to work first, I was at the office while texting my friends who were already at the frat party. They were asking what time I will be there. I felt that I would miss a lot if I don’t get to at least see the happening so I left the office and went to the frat party. On my way, I was so excited… The last time I was in a sorority or fraternity party has been hmnn… a long time ago that I can’t even remember. When I arrived at the party, there was no more food and everybody is drinking. I cannot drink so I had coffee. I saw a lot of drunkards around the party and saw a lot of my college brods and sisses who I have not seen in ages. I sent my greetings, hugs to the people I know, I sat on the table with old friends and joked around while I was drinking “coffee”. I think that was a first. The first time I was talking to these friends of mine and I was holding a cup of coffee instead of a bottle of beer or a shot of whatever.

After 1 hour, I went back to the office. Was it worth it? Yes, definitely. I wish I don’t work Saturdays because all the happenings happen either on a Friday or a Saturday right so I can give up on Fridays but can I at least be spared with Saturday? Too bad I did not have any more time to meet kat and have coffee…

Well, it’s a Sunday morning and I’m still at work trying very hard to keep my eyes open. Saturdays are a bore when you’re inside the office working instead of drinking and having fun hanging out with your friends.

After 5 days of hard work or rather boring work, I like looking forward to a Saturday but now because of my new schedule I have to look forward on Sundays which most people dread because it means they work the next day. Whew… Tough Crowd.

single and fabulous

When I reached the age of 25, I started thinking of getting married and having kids. Then, I realized that I have never thought about having my own family before because I am focused on my career and was set on getting married at the age of 29 or 30. Plus, I haven’t been in a serious relationship for 4 years now. So, why the sudden “family” idea? A number of factors contribute to this :

1. My YOUNGER sister got married last year and she now has a family and a very cute baby.
2. I belong to a family where I have spinster aunts every generation. Am I joining the sorority of old maids in our clan?
3. On family occasions, I get bugged with questions on when I am getting married and why I let younger sister got married ahead of me.
4. My best friend just got married and my other best friend is getting married on January – and both of them want me for a bridesmaid. (the one who just got married will renew her vows next year) will I be the one they call, always the bridesmaid, but never the bride???
5. I realized that I have been on all the secondary sponsor tasks – cord, veil, candle, maid of honor, bridesmaid. Thank God I’m too old to be a flower girl and too young to be a ninang or else..
6. I have been attending occasions where they tell me I can bring a “partner”. (partner?? what if I don't have one? AM I NoT INVITED??)

I have always thought that destiny will find me but while destiny is on its way, I should also help destiny find me. Such a funny idea constitutes a preposterous thought. Life is no fairy tale but all my life I have always believed that things will always fall into place when the right time comes. I constantly remind myself that there are a lot of things to consider and I try to keep myself levelheaded. Though at certain situations, a girl just can’t help but feel the need for a special someone to share her problems and her accomplishments.

One of my wishes for the year is to be in a relationship after a hiatus of almost 4 years. I have been wondering on when the day or month will come. I went out on dates and met guys but nothing seemed to work. It was kind of frustrating at times. But then, my mind changed last week.

I just arrived at the office when I received a call from an old time crush – my super crush when I was a freshman in college, so that was like 8 - 9 years ago. I haven’t seen him for quite sometime and he got my number from an old college friend of mine who happen to be working on the same firm. By the way, he is a lawyer now. I had the biggest crush on him when I was a freshman in college and he was a freshman in law school. And when I think about it now, I was hilarious.

He is still single and he asked me if we could go out and I said yes but after a few minutes I realized that I was not excited. I was happy to have heard from him but that was all. My friend who gave him my number even called me and told me that she gave my number and that he was still single. All the signs of a good catch was there. A lawyer, single and I have known him since I was a teen. The kind of guy who I can have a relationship with, right? He is stable and he is of the right age. But somehow, it made me wonder.

If I am looking for a relationship, why am I not grabbing this opportunity? Why do I sense that I want the “magic” and not the security? It made me rethink what I really want.

After thinking for a few days, I realized that I am not just after a relationship but I am after being in love. We can have relationships but we will always want it to be worth our time. We want it to have meaning and we want the relationship to make us happy and contented. I have always known that I am after love but on one way or another I have always denied it. Now, I know better.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
~ Helen Keller

sick and tired...

My bed is definitely seeing more of me the past 2 weeks. For the past 2 weeks I have consistently been oversleeping. Blame it on the rainy weather for making my bed feel a lot better to sleep on or maybe blame it on my job, for it can’t persuade me to get up and get ready for work. I have been dragging myself out of bed for quite sometime now. I have never been absent for the past 2 years. Come to think of it, I haven’t been sick enough to miss work for the past 2 years. Interesting, I have gone from a reckless student to a reliable and conscientious employee. Wow! I have changed.
But yesterday, I was asking one of my friends if she’s got plans for the night and I realized that I am actually finding a reason for myself to be absent. I wanted a valid reason to be reckless. I am not motivated or excited to get to work. I used to be eager to get up and start my day’s work but all have changed. Is it because of the change in company? Is it because I no longer have a team to work with?
I deem that I work better with a team. I love to brainstorm on ideas and think of possible answers, solutions, etc. I enjoy it when I am important or at least what I do is. But my recent oversleeping and dragging myself out of bed has been a subject of confusion.
I do oversleep on days when I don’t have work. But this week, there was 1 day when I got out of bed and got ready without any qualms, First day of the week and I was going to see a movie before work. Wow. My reason for getting ready for work is questionable.
Am I too tired with what I’m doing? Or is this just one of those chapters that drag and will soon change?

solid.. from the heart

This should have been posted a few months back... but it took me too long to finish it.
It seems like depression has been my constant companion for the past few days or maybe weeks. Call it quarter life crisis or the fear of being alone while everybody around me is starting their own “family life”. 25 years of existence… and now I’m ready to share my love story.

I met him in college, I was a shiftee… From Day 1 in their college, I have always felt like an intruder, who wouldn’t, when I joined their class when everybody knows everybody and people would group with people they’re familiar with. I hated the fact that I had to do group projects with the people who weren’t included in the “cliques” inside the class. I am quite good. I mean, I have always been popular in college, unfortunately shifting to another college on my 3rd year was not an easy task. When I first joined the college, I didn’t know a single soul. Some familiar faces, but these faces weren’t really what I’d call friends but then, this would have to do since I’m a newcomer, right?

After a year in the college, my social status has not changed. I was still the shiftee with no regular group mates. First semester on my 4th year and the 1st day in class on one my subjects when I met him. I was sitting at the last row near the door trying to distract myself when he came inside the class late. He was greeted by the people inside the room so I looked up and saw his face. It wasn’t love at first sight that’s for sure, with my experience in the college, I haven’t made a single friend so all these people were just acquaintances and classmates. I was not expecting anything from this class. I needed to attend classes with them because I need to finish college and it wasn’t as if I was given the choice. And then the class started. I was sitting between him and another girl I have known the past year. The girl, Jane, introduced us and we said our Hello’s. Halfway through the class, our professor told us to group ourselves into three. I was just sitting there waiting for people who will need a spare when Jane told me that we can be group mates, the 3 of us. Well, I was never picky with my group mates since I changed my major so it was ok and I was a little relieved and a little annoyed because people were staring while checking out the groupings. So the guy, let’s call him Joseph. Joseph was definitely in demand, a lot of the people in class wanted to have him in their group but he was so polite in turning them down and told them that he’s got himself a group already. We then exchanged our numbers and planned what to do on our project. We had to meet that Friday, after class to do research and we all agreed to meet at 1pm. I was already there waiting for my 2 group mates when I got word that Jane wasn’t feeling well and will not be able to join us. So ok, no problem. Joseph arrived and we talked and thought on what we can work on for now. Well, not to waste our time, we did some ambush interviews and tried to do some research. I was surprised on how nice Joseph was. He was very easy to talk to and I really had fun talking to him. He is always smiling and he’s got the cutest dimples on earth. We went out to do the research and it was fun. We barely missed Jane, it was like “our day” to meet and get to know each other. We talked and talked. Until on one of our research areas, we saw one of his ex-girlfriend’s bestfriend. He introduced me and I had no idea who she was, just that Joseph said she was from the same college. On our way back to school, he got a text message that pissed him off. It was from the girl, a message that was intended for his ex-gf that was missent to him. Oh boy, was I intrigued. That’s when I learned that his relationship with his ex left problems for him. He then told me their story and hearing his side of the story, I, of course took his side. Without realizing what happened, our friendship was suddenly there. We traded secrets and silently trusted each other. During this time, I had a boyfriend, Mark. Mark and I have been together for a year and a half. I believed that I was really in love with Mark. He was the ideal boyfriend.

First 2 weeks of my first semester and I realized that Joseph, Jane and I have 2 classes together. Joseph was just too nice and sweet. He’s got himself a girlfriend by the way. His girlfriend is Lila, a school figure in the field of school politics. She’s older than Joseph. During that time, I only knew Lila by name. But as luck would have it, I was also bound to meet Lila after “our” relationship with Joseph. The ironies of life, huh?

From the first group meeting, Joseph and I got closer. We see each other everyday, with or without classes. After classes, during breaks, we text constantly and we talk on the phone for hours. We were inseparable and I soon realized that I’m falling for him. It made me wonder if he felt the same way. But his actions showed that he also cared. We became each other’s ally. We told each other everything. During that time, he was my sunshine. He put light on my days, he was the reason I smile. Just the idea of seeing him in school made me giggle. The idea that we’ll hang out and talk makes me giddy and look forward to my day. I dread the end of the day when we have to part and go home. Though when we’re home, we talk on the phone for hours. We watched movies in places where we’re sure no one will know us. We were at each other’s back all the time. Then one day, after Joseph dropped me off, I was in front of my pc doing a report while I was talking to Joseph on the phone when my boyfriend Mark texted me that I don’t even inform him when I get home. I was surprised by his message so I replied that I just got home and was busy writing a paper. He then told me that he was downstairs. I was shocked beyond comprehension to find out that he was right there when I arrived home. I said goodbye to Joseph and went downstairs to talk to Mark. Seeing Mark saddened me, we were inside his car not talking. Then I told him that I was really busy that day due to a paper due the next day and it was already 1am. He asked me “Who is he?” to which I replied he’s my classmate and he asked, “Do you like him?”. I was surprised by the question and I told him what kind of question was that, he was my classmate and we’re doing a project together so asking me if I like him was out of the question. But right after I answered him, he asked me if I still love him to which I did not have a response. I told him I was not really in the mood for his questions and my mind was on my paper, I asked him if we can talk about it some other time because I was really busy and its late. He told me that we have to talk right there and then and settle it or I won’t see him again. I am a lousy liar when it comes to how I feel, he told me he thinks its better to separate ways if I am no longer in love with him. I was stunned and told him we’ll talk again when I’m no longer busy and occupied with school work. But from that moment, I knew that it was over. I went back to my paper and finished it. Joseph was texting me but I did not reply. I needed the time to think and mull over what’s happening.

I realized that being in a relationship means a lot to me that I cannot pretend to be happy when I no longer am. I am happy whenever I’m with Joseph. And for me, finding happiness is like finding yourself. What makes me happy is finding the meaning of being contented. And at that time, being with Joseph was enough. I was only thinking of my happiness at that time. I did not think of Mark, I did not want to be bothered with what our friends will say. I only had my mind on Joseph and what could happen next.

The next thing I know Joseph and I were inseparable, I am no longer in a relationship but Joseph was still with Lila but I did not care. My friends saw me happy but they did not share my happiness because they knew that I was not the only one in the picture. They kept on telling me that I deserve better. That being 2nd best is not good enough.

Joseph and I were in love (or so I thought). I was head over heels in love with him. I was oblivious with the happenings in the outside world. All I knew was that I was happy because he was there. I wore my heart on my sleeve. I was constantly thinking of him. It was the first time that I felt I was so much in love. Being with him was enough for me. My face lights up with the mere thought of him. What I failed to check was if he was into me as well. Joseph assured me that I was more of his girlfriend than Lila, he liked me more and he spends 6 out of 7 days with me. That, during that time was enough.

Then the peer pressure that I was not doing the right thing increased. They kept on telling me to stop seeing him. It will do me no good. He was a 2 timing jerk… etc… I was blinded.

Finally, peer pressure got the better of me. That's when I told him we needed to stop seeing each other. That was my saddest day, rather that was the start of my sadness and sorrow. Not being with him made me realize that I am not ready for this kind of dejection. It was the first time my heart was broken. I was crying the whole time. I can’t go to school and I was really on my worst days. My friends were still there. They kept me sane though deep inside I was so hurt. I constantly cried and regret the day when I told him that we had to stop. I knew I did the right thing but my heart didn’t feel the same. I felt empty. My life was suddenly dull. After the magic, suddenly there was darkness.

My friends told me that maybe we were no meant to be but I believe otherwise. I believe that we make our own destiny. We are destined towards something but somewhere along the way we have to help destiny find us.

Joseph and I are still friends, or that’s what we keep on telling ourselves. He’s been in and out of relationships. I’ve been in and out of meaningless flings. Once or twice I fancied myself in love and then realized that I’m not. I was just in love with the idea of being in love. Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him.

It’s been 5 years but I always look back and remember how it feels to be in love. It’s been 5 years and I still remember what happened as if it just happened yesterday. What happened, how it happened is still vivid in my mind. I know that my friends feel sorry for me but if I will be asked if I have any regrets… I will only have one reply. My only regret is that it had to end.

But looking back, I learned a lot from the experience. Because of you, I promised myself a few things.
1. I will never be afraid to get hurt.
2. I will be more ready for rejection (though I'm not successful in this area).
3. I will overcome my fears and take advantage of opportunities.

The experience taught me to seize the day. To take the lead and be strong for life's challenges. I have enough willpower to overcome the rough roads.

- It's a secret no one tells
One day it's heaven
One day it's hell
And it's no fairy tale take it from me
That's that way it's supposed to be
(Even Angels Fall)